


More Than Three Words

by lumosinlove



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Harry Potter - Freeform, Harry Potter Angst, M/M, Remus x Sirius, remus lupin - Freeform, sirius black - Freeform, sirius x remus, sorrynotsorry, wolfstar, wolfstar angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-13
Updated: 2018-01-13
Packaged: 2019-03-04 03:41:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13355745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lumosinlove/pseuds/lumosinlove
Summary: Sirius cheats on Remus.





	More Than Three Words

“Flowers or no flowers?”

James looked up from the plate of assorted cookies he was not-so-hygienically rifling through, “Huh?”

Remus sighed, “For the tray, Prongs.” He looked down at the breakfast he had woken up early to prepare for Sirius. It looked alright, not burnt. And the elves had said he’d done a fine job but, then again, they liked him because he brought them chocolate after every Hogsmeade trip, so, there was that. He looked back up, “ _James._ ”

James dropped the cookie he was holding back onto the plate, “I’m not eating them!”

“Then stop _touching them_.” Remus swiped the plate, fitting in next to the eggs and bacon and cup of hot chocolate, “And answer my question.”

James spread his hands, “Well, I don’t see flowers anywhere, so.” He shrugged exaggeratedly, “ _So_.”

“Fine, fine. You’re right.” Remus sighed, “Okay, I’ll bring this to him now but I’ll wait to give him his present after dinner.”

“Oh.” James drew the sound out and leaned forward on his elbows, raising his eyebrows over his glasses and nodding slowly.

Remus raised an eyebrow back, “Oh?”

James sent him a sharp grin, dimple appearing in his cheek, “So, it’s one of _those_ presents.”

Remus rolled his eyes, “ _No_. I just think it’s a nice way to end the day.” He picked up the tray, “C’mon, let’s go.”

James was resting his chin in his hand now, eyes unfocused, “I wish Lily would give me one of those presents.”

“Let’s _go_ , James.”

~

Remus ascended the stairs to the common room alone, having parted with James at the Great Hall. He felt rather giddy, like he always did when it came to surprises.

“Cherry tart.” He said to the portrait, and the fat lady barely looked at him before she swung open. He stepped into the common room careful not to spill the chocolate.

“Remus.” He looked up and grinned at Lily who was sat by the fire with what looked like a pastry and a book. She waved the croissant at him and smiled, “Hi.”

“Hey, Lils.” He set the tray down for a moment, resting his arms, “Not down at breakfast?”

She shrugged, “Sometimes I like to stay in the mornings. The common room is nice when it’s empty. Peaceful.” She nodded to the tray, “That for the birthday boy?”

Remus grinned, picking it back up, “Yeah. Thought I’d surprise him before he wakes up. He said he didn’t want any surprises but it’s his birthday. I’m his boyfriend, what did he expect?”

Lily smiled, crinkling her nose, “Cute.”

Remus just shrugged, “See you in Charms?”

She nodded, turning back to her book as Remus ascended the dormitory stairs. The dark wood around him smelled dry and ancient, like books and the spiced tea they served at breakfast. He stepped over the one the creaked when he reached the top and put his hand to the doorknob. He was about to turn it when he froze at a sound from within.

“Fuck—“ Remus jumped as a muffled bump came through the door, “Merlin, yes—“

Sirius’ voice. Remus felt heat rise to his cheeks as he recognized the sounds, the pattern of breathing that he could hear. He looked behind him, as if Lily could somehow hear, then forward again, fingers tightening on the tray. He let out a breath, smiling slightly. Well, maybe he would end up giving Sirius one of _those_ presents after all.

“Sirius. God, there, yeah.”

Remus froze. Another voice. A different voice. A male voice.

His ribs contracted into his lungs. His heart dropped to his stomach like an overripe apple in summer heat.

Another muffled bump, a bed spring creaking. Remus flinched backwards. He could feel his breathing picking up, his chest knotting painfully. He shook his head. Standing there alone in the dark corridor, his mouth formed the word ‘no’ soundlessly.

It wasn’t possible. Sirius wouldn’t. Remus took a step back. He wouldn’t.

A groan came and Remus shut his eyes, tucking his chin to his chest, breathing hard through his nose.

“ _Fuck_. Again…”

Remus grit his teeth, head snapping up. It was as if he watched himself open the door, like his mind had detached from his body. He felt himself step through, he felt the air catch in his lungs. He felt the tray slip from his grasp, cookies melting in the hot chocolate at his feet.

A boy sat up, whipping his head around. The muscles in his bare back tensed when he saw Remus, and he turned back around, scrambling off the bed, using a pillow to cover himself the best he could. But Remus barely looked at him. Because a second boy, Sirius, had sat up, seeming to be at first confused as to why everything had stopped so quickly. But then he saw Remus. The color that had been flush on his cheeks paled and his face dropped. His chest was still heaving from the other boy’s pleasure when he tried to say Remus’ name and Remus flinched backwards, the heel of his boot cracking a plate that had skittered away.

“Remus.” Sirius tried again, and he sat up fully this time, bring a blanket in front of him but not before Remus could see. Sirius’ voice cracked, “Moons—“

“I…should go.”

The voice to his left finally made Remus remember that they were not alone in the room, that there was a source to the jagged feeling in his gut right now, and he was standing right there, naked and unashamed in the form of Cole O’Hera.

And, again, Remus was looking down at the scene as he strode forward, making it to Cole in just two steps.

“Remus!”

Remus blinked at Sirius’ voice and realized his arm was across Cole’s throat, pushing him against the wall and he was coughing.

“Christ—“ Sirius was next to him, his hands wrapped around his arm, “Stop!”

Remus gasped, taking a step back. He was shaking, shaking like he did when the moon’s light was burning into his skin. Except this time, it scared him. It scared him so much more.

He heard Cole’s footsteps thundering down the stairs a moment later, vaguely aware that they were alone now.

Sirius’ hands were on him again, tugging, trying to get Remus to face him. He’d pulled on clothes somehow, and Remus wondered how much time was passing and how.

“Remus, please—“

Remus couldn’t move. He felt stiff, frozen, like if someone pushed him too hard he’d break, maybe like he already was breaking.

It didn’t stop Sirius from trying, “Re. Re, I—I don’t…Merlin. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry.” Remus repeated the words like he didn’t know them, couldn’t figure out what they meant.

“Remus.”

“Stop saying my name.”

He saw Sirius’ hand cover his mouth from the corner of his eyes, saw his fingers shaking, eyes shining. He turned to face him.

“No.” Remus felt a dull thrumming in his chest, “ _No_. You don’t get to cry.” It was only when he said the words that he realized he was crying, that his cheeks were sticky, meaning he had been for quite some time. The realization only made the tears come faster, “You’re sorry?” His voice cracked and he grit his teeth, “You’re sorry?” His palms flashed out, shoving at Sirius’ chest, “You’re _sorry_?”

Sirius stumbled backwards, hands reaching behind him to steady himself against a bedpost, his bedpost, the post of the bed he’d been fucking another boy in moments before, “I…”

“There is—” Remus cut him off, feeling as if a hand was slowly squeezing around his throat, “there is nothing you can say right now. There is nothing you—“

Sirius’ eyes were foggy glass, breaking, “Remus, I—“

“Don’t say my _name_.” Remus shoved him again, half heartedly, only succeeding in falling into Sirius’ chest, forehead on his shoulder, shuttering, “Don’t—“ Sirius’ arms were around him and he pulled back again, “ _Don’t_.”

Sirius pressed his hands to his face, covering his eyes and sinking to the ground against the bed, “I’m so sorry.” He murmured, “I’m so—“

But Remus was already out of the room, thundering down the stairs. He didn’t know where he was going, didn’t have anywhere he wanted to go, where he could go—

When he reached the bottom of the staircase he was pulled into another set of arms, a slighter set. They only barely reached around his shoulders, one small palm cupping the back of his head and pulling his face into vanilla smelling red hair.

“Lils—“ He gasped, holding tightly to her waist, fingers crumpling her shirt, “Lily.”

“I know.” Her voice was soft. It sounded like she was crying to, “I saw Cole. I heard yelling, I…God, Remus.”

Remus found his eyes unfocused, staring, burning, “I don’t know why…”

Lily just held him tighter, letting him fall into her.

“I don’t know why.” He said again.

~

Sirius and James sat in the two armchairs in front of the Gryffindor fire, completely silent. James was staring at the carpet, mouth set in a tight line, and Sirius was staring at James, eyes big with the vain hope that his best friend would offer him some comfort. He didn’t deserve it, he knew that.

James pushed his hair off his forehead, “I don’t,” He opened his hands, finally raising his head to meet Sirius’ eyes, “I don’t know what you want me to say to you.”

Sirius wet his lips, shifting in his seat, “I…Okay. I know.”

James let out a breath, “Sirius. Why…What—“

Sirius just shook his head, dropping it into his hands, “I don’t have a reas—“

“Well you better fucking think of one.” James pressed his lips together cutting himself off.

Sirius stared at the ground through his fingers, “I knew you were angry.”

“I’m not—“ James’ voice was raised and he stood up, trying to reign it in, “Merlin. I’m not angry, I just—what the _fuck_. I never would have thought. You. You and Remus are—“ James sat back down, “I just don’t understand. Merlin, Sirius, I _don’t understand. At all.”_

Sirius stayed quiet. His throat was dry and he, still, had nothing to say. Maybe it was the Black in him. The cold, twisting blood that he had thought he suppressed. Maybe it still ran through his veins.

“How long?”

Sirius looked up, suddenly feeling bone tired, “It was the only time.”

James just looked at him.

“You don’t believe me?”

“Excuse me if I’m feeling a little mistrusting right now.” James took his glasses off to rub at his eyes.

Sirius watched the motion with what felt like iron in his chest, squeezing and weighing down, “Where…Where is—“

“With Lily. ‘m not telling you where.”

Sirius bit at his lip, weighing his words, “James, he—he let me…hold him, for a second, after—“

“Yeah, well, he loves you. Sirius.” James’ eyes were hard, “He loves you but that doesn’t mean he’s not fucking hurt.”

Sirius felt desperation creeping into the edges of his voice, “But if I could just talk to him—“

“And say what?” James sat forward, elbows on his knees, “And say what? Tell me.”

Sirius opened his mouth, wordless.

“All the good reasoning you’ve been able to tell me?” James looked at his best friend, his brother, and wanted nothing more than to comfort him. But he couldn’t. He wanted to tell him it was okay, but it wasn’t. “Padfoot, you don’t have a reason. You don’t have a fucking reason, and he doesn’t want to _hear_ that. You did it because, I don’t know, the moon is in a week and Remus gets tired and you _wanted_ something.”

“I’m not that sort of _person_.” Sirius’ voice cracked, “I’m not _like that_. I made a fucking—“ Sirius’ throat was almost too tight to get the words out and he press a hand around it, “I made the biggest mistake of my life.”

James was silent for a few beats, leaning back against the chair again, looking exhausted, “Well. It’s good to hear that you know that.” Sirius stared at the ground, watching his tears fall into the maroon fibers of the carpet, as James pushed on, “Pads…” He leaned in, “I believe you. I’m not going to excuse you. This is fucking…” He shook his head, “But I know you. There’s no way I don’t know you, and you aren’t…this. I just. I don’t understand. _Remus_ doesn’t understand. I don’t think even you understand. Why, I mean. Why you—“

“I know.” Sirius voice was shot, like he’d been yelling. He glanced up at James, “I don’t. I can’t tell you because I don’t know.”

James sighed, “Okay.” There were a few beats of silence, “Okay.” He pushed off his knees, rising to his feet and slinging his bag around his shoulders, “I’ve Charms now. Are you coming?”

Sirius just shook his head. He could barely breathe, much less focus on a lesson. James hesitated for a moment, like he was going to say something, or put a hand on Sirius’ shoulder, but then he turned and walked silently out of the portrait hole.

Sirius sat there silently, eyes closed but restless as ever, for what felt like hours. People came and went, depending on when they had class, but to them it looked like he was just sitting in a chair, lost in thought. But his chest burned from lack of breathing, but he couldn’t seem to get air through his lungs properly. The light from the fire was making his vision pop and he felt consumed, clouded by his own guilt. He leaned forward, head in his hands, and let out a long breath. James had been right. There was no reason, he had no explanation. Shame cracked through his ribs and splintered off in all directions.

He didn’t look up when the portrait hole clicked open, hadn’t been looking up for the last hour. He didn’t want to talk, not when he could barely breathe. Then there was a sound, soft and choked, and Sirius blinked, raising his eyes. His throat closed and he stood abruptly.

Remus stood there, bag clutched to his chest. He looked like he couldn’t move either. They stared at each other, fire crackling in the silence. Sirius watched Remus’ knuckles whiten as they clenched around the leather of his bag, pushing it nervously against his chest.

Sirius could feel his chest heaving and, slowly, he took a step forward, “I—” He took a step back as Remus shied away, “I won’t say your name.” Remus looked away from him, jawline sharp, hiding most of his face. Sirius’ heart contracted, “I won’t even, I won’t even talk if you don’t want me to.” Sirius waited a beat and when Remus still didn’t look at him he relented, shoulders sagging, “You can have the common room. Or if you want the dorm… I’ll leave, just say so.”

Sirius could see the muscles working in Remus’ jaw, but he stayed silent. He hovered for a beat, then jerked towards one of the round tables, throwing himself down into one of the chairs and setting his bag on the surface, his back towards Sirius.

Sirius let out a breath, gazing at the back of his head. The curve of his neck, the curl of his hair. He longed for it suddenly, to touch it and—

“You said you would leave.”

Sirius blinked, jarred by the flatness of Remus’ voice. It wasn’t shaking like the last time he had heard it. It wasn’t anything. He was a bulletproof window next to Sirius’ shattering one.

Sirius left, making it down only the corridor before he resigned himself to the ragged sobs escaping his throat, leaning against the stone wall. He didn’t deserve to cry, but the tears came anyway.

~

 _Three weeks later_  
~

James sat across from Remus in the Great Hall. He’d had a piece of sausage on his fork for the last five minutes, which was now cold. His eyes were fixed on Remus’ plate, which was still mostly full, and flicked every once and a while to his face.

“Still not feeling hungry?” James said quietly.

Remus glanced up at him, then back down at his cold breakfast, “Not really.” The truth was he wasn’t feeling much of anything.

He felt numb mostly, and out of sorts. He spent his days sitting aloof in class, avoiding Sirius at all costs, and his nights listening to Sirius’ breathing in the bed beside his, contemplating the numbing ache that seemed to be his constant companion. He thought that he finally understood the phrase ‘heavy heart.’ His felt like his had turned to a sack of galleons in his chest, and now he was being forced to carry around the extra weight.

“Moony, you need to eat something. You look…thin.” James sighed, putting his still sausaged-fork down. He leaned forward, voice lowering more, “The moon is in two days. You need to eat.”

“I _do_.” Remus stabbed at his ham, shoving some into his mouth, “It just takes a while. It tastes like…” _dust_. “I’m eating, okay?”

James’ eyes lingered for a moment, then went from soft to tense, and he straightened up. Remus knew what that meant. He grabbed three pieces of buttered toast and a napkin, wrapping them as quickly as he could, and got up. He didn’t bother to shoulder his bag, just stuffed it under his arm.

“See you in Potions.” He mumbled, and didn’t look up again, not even when he felt himself pass the head of dark hair that he saw from the corner of his eye, not until he was out of the Great Hall. He ducked around a corner and flattened himself against the wall, breathing hard. The numbness flared up into the ever-constant ache, making him press himself harder against the stones, desperate to feel anything other than _that_. He closed his eyes, pushing his thoughts back to last night, and laying there in the dark. He remembered Sirius’ slow breathing from one bed over. He had known he wasn’t asleep, he could tell, but he had listened anyway, through all the hitches, the deep sighs. It was the only thing that reminded Remus that Sirius was still _there_ , and present in his life. He hated himself for it, but no matter what he did, he couldn’t bring himself to cut Sirius out completely. So, he allowed himself this. The sound of his breath. The sound of his sleep, or restlessness. Close, familiar, but not too much. It killed him, but he needed it. He needed even the memory of it to survive.  
~

Sirius sat down at the long table, knowing he was taking Remus’ seat. The wood was still warm and he nearly broke the pumpkin juice pitcher with the force at which he set it down. James just raised an eyebrow at him.

Sirius sighed, “What do I do, James?”

James looked back to the Daily Prophet in front of him, “You eat your breakfast.”

“What do I _do_ , James?”

James dropped his fork on his plate with a rattle, “Sirius, I’m sorry but for once in our life I’m not plotting this one out with you, I’m not helping you, I don’t know _how_ to help you.”

Sirius’ chest tightened and he looked down at his empty plate.

He heard James let out a breath, and it was a few moments before he spoke again, “You wait it out, I guess. I don’t know for how long. I don’t know if your even…” another sigh, “waiting for anything—“

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s a possibility, Pads.” Their eyes met, James’ sad, “I’m sorry, but…”

“I know.” Sirius looked away, picking up a piece of toast with no desire to eat it, “I know.”

~

Remus set his books down next to Lily’s, sliding into the empty stool at their potions table.

Lily smiled at him, “I got the best lacewing flies.” She shook the small jar at him, “They aren’t all crumbly.”

Remus shot her a smile back, trying to keep it on his face, “Maybe our potion will actually work this time. What are we making today?”

“We’re making…” Lily leaned forward over her book, hair falling around her face.

“Amortentia.” Said another voice.

Remus tried not to visibly stiffen.

Lily leaned back, her face a little tenser than before, looking up at Sirius and James, who had arrived at their seats across from them.

This was the only part of Remus’ day that he couldn’t do anything about. Slughorn assigned seats. Remus started pulling his books out, head down.

“Right.” Lily said, clearing her throat and flipping her hair out of her eyes. She and James shared a look, sad and nervous, “Thanks, Sirius.”

There was an uncomfortable beat of silence before Slughorn clapped his hands loudly together, starting class.

Lily and James both did their best throughout class to try and diffuse the tension. Lily kept sending Remus away to the supply cupboard for ingredients. There was an awkward moment where both Lily and James did that at the same time, and Remus’ heart broke a little when Sirius just sat down without a word, head bent low over his notes, and let Remus go with James.

Sirius was hurting. Remus could see that. And he wanted to let him hurt, but it hurt _him_ to see it. But it hurt him not to see it too, hurt him to be with Sirius and away from him, and it caused his heart to feel so mangled that he could barely breathe right. It didn’t help when the potion was more the half finished, and it started to work.

“Now class,” Slughorn was picking his way slowly around the tables, taking peaks into cauldrons as he spoke, “You all should be nearly there by now. I do think you’ll know when it works. I certainly do.” He grinned impishly, “If you recognize your scent then, well, good for you. If you don’t then I suppose you have something to look forward to!”

Remus felt sick. He recognized his potion. As he leaned over the pot to stir, the fumes seemed to consume him. It was faint at first, but when Lily dumped the crushed beetles in, the potion flared, bubbling and completing itself. The leather came first, a scent that was sharp and dark, like a fog. Remus stiffened, trying to mask his expression. Lily laughed to his right, leaning over the table to accept a soft kiss on the cheek from James, but Remus barely registered it.

Cedar. The damp wood smell of Quidditch broomsticks and the supply shed. The tangy scent always seemed to cling to Sirius’ clothes.

Remus wanted to stop stirring. He wanted to lean away but he couldn’t. He was frozen, the world going on around him.

Sweeter scents came next. Cinnamon, and buttery honey. The toast Sirius made himself every morning, the sweet taste that lingered in his mouth when Remus—

Remus jerked backwards, dropping the spoon with a clatter against the metal edge of the cauldron. He sat back in his chair but the scent followed him, clouding his thoughts, and he stood again, breathing hard.

“Remus…” Lily’s hand was on his arm but he jerked away. Grey eyes swam in his vision and he realized he had looked up, that Sirius was looking at him. His face was hot, the room was too hot, his tie too tight.

“I—“ Remus swallowed over a dry throat, “Not feeling good.” He managed, before he scraped his book into his bag, leaving his quill and ink on the table, and turned on his heel, bolting from the room. He gasped when the door shut behind him, the dungeon air feeling impossibly clean compared to the foggy classroom. He managed a few gulps before he was off again, feeling the ache settling back in. It had been a relief, temporarily, the effects of the potion. It had clouded his mind, surrounding him in what he had been longing for. He turned the corner and pressed a hand to the cool stone wall, chest heaving, the rolling of his stomach slowly subsiding to the familiar numbness.

It was only then, as his blood subsided its roaring in his ears, that he heard the hurried footsteps behind him. They clattered for a moment before they stopped, directly around the corner. They stood there silently, just out of view. Remus could hear Sirius’ breathing, ragged, but not from the run. They both stood there as their breathing slowed and what little noise there was lapsed into silence. Remus felt his hands shaking. Sirius took a step forward and he was right _there_ , behind Remus, around the corner, like he was scared that if he got too close, Remus would run. Remus was worried he would run too. Remus heard him take a breath and then he spoke quietly.

“Those…wool jumpers.” He began. Remus closed his eyes at Sirius’ voice, soft and fragile, “That you wear.” Remus heard him swallow, “Something else too. I… I don’t know what it is, really. Think it might be ink. Sort of, thick.” His took a breath, “Dunno.” His voice was small and Remus pictured him playing with his fingers, with the Black family ring that he wore, twisting it around his finger the way he did sometimes when he worried about Regulus. He heard him sniff, like he was crying, and Remus pressed a hand to his chest. “Chocolate, of course.” He let out a watery laugh that was more tears than mirth, “Couldn’t not have chocolate in there. And grass. Grass in the morning. ’s always dewy when I bring you back to the castle after the moons. You always just, just sleep in my arms and I walk up that massive hill carrying you but I don’t care because—because the sun is coming up and you’re alright.” Sirius voice was thick, breaking, “You’re _fine_ and that’s all I care about.”

Remus pressed his forehead to the stone, biting hard on the inside of his cheek to keep quiet, but the tears leaked through his lashes anyway.

Sirius’ breathing hitched and Remus heard him murmur a curse and wipe at his cheek, “And now you aren’t. You aren’t fine and it’s all my fucking fault, isn’t it?” His voice had dropped to a whisper, like he couldn’t get the words out. “God—” He was silent for a moment, “You have to know. Remus—“ Sirius stepped forward, the tiniest bit, and Remus could see him now, just a little, out of the corner of his eye, around the wall. Sirius didn’t look at him yet. He was crying, eyes downcast, brows drawn together, “Remus, it was all you in there. It was your clothes, and your mannerisms, and your favorite foods, and your skin, it was…” Sirius shook his head, eyes closing briefly as he leant his head against the stone, “And it’s never going to be any different.” His words came out rushed, in one breathe, like he was having trouble breathing through them, “No matter how foolish I am.” He blinked and tears fell, “And that isn’t to say I’m allowed to be foolish. I made…” He shook his head again, “It doesn’t matter what excuse I give, there is none. I have none. I can tell you how sorry and stupid I am. And…I am. I’m sorry. I’ve never felt more sorry. But…I—Even if you never speak to me again, you have to know. It’s just you.”

Remus tasted blood in his mouth. His shoulders hurt from how drawn in he was around himself, holding his breath against his tears. He let it out, shaky and soft.

“And I won’t try to…win you. Back, I mean. This isn’t, god, some stupid _plot_ , or game. This is us. And I just,” Sirius looked up, Remus saw him look up, could feel his gaze on him, burning, “I can’t believe how horrible I’ve been.”

And then Sirius disappeared, letting out a breath and pressing his back to the wall around the bend, letting his face break against the tears. “I’m sorry.” He said, and no sound came out.

Remus turned, facing the wall, palms pressed against it, feeling the coolness radiate off the stone. He could hear Sirius’ breathing, he was crying and trying to hide it. Remus felt the pull, the tug that had been ingrained in his heart for years now towards Sirius, stronger than ever. He closed his eyes and, for just a moment, let himself feel it. He thought of the early morning trips up from the Shrieking Shack. Sirius had said he was sleeping but that wasn’t always the case. He was tired, bone tired, but he found more comfort in letting himself melt into Sirius’ firm chest and arms than actual sleep. He remembers the sun on his face and how, every once and a while, he’d feel himself be lifted a little higher and lips brush against his temple.

He remembered Quidditch games, watching Sirius run off the field afterwards. How it felt when he looped him about his waist and pulled him in, kissing all the post-game adrenaline into his lips.

He remembered quiet nights in Sirius’ bed, the bed he’d been absent from for nearly a month. Soft touches and voices. The only time when the moon was not a threat.

And he remembered that last morning. The cookies melting into the steam, the cracked plate. Sirius’ surprised face, his tears and pleas.

Remus opened his eyes. The world was bleary, the dungeon gray. He slid his palms along the wall, stepping sideways once, until he was next to Sirius, staring directly down at his profile. It was tear stricken. His eyes were closed. His lip was split from being bitten, and a tiny bead of dried blood was dark against the skin.

“I know that you love me.”

Sirius’ eyes shot open at Remus’ voice. It sounded hoarse and tired. Sirius thought the sound matched his eyes, which were red. The golden hazel color looked like backlit stained glass through his tears. Sirius gazed up at him, lump lodged in his throat.

Remus swallowed, eyebrows pulling together, “I never needed you to prove that you love me. All we’ve been through…All you’ve done. All this time, these moments.” Remus shook his head, “How could you not?”

Sirius’ heart pounded against his ribs. He couldn’t read Remus’ expression, and he was all too aware that these could be the last words Remus Lupin spoke to him out of any sort of love.

“And you know that I love you. At least I hope you do,” tears crept into Remus’ voice, “I don’t know, you ignored that fact a little, didn’t you?” 

Sirius pressed his lips together.

“But I do. I still do.” Remus looked down, lips barely moving, “more than anything.”

Sirius’ hand moved of its own accord, reaching for Remus’ cheek, but Remus caught his wrist. Then, face crumpling slightly at the contact, seemed unable to help himself and let their hands slide together, fingers interlocking.

“This isn’t it.” Remus’ jaw was clenched and he was holding onto Sirius’ hand tightly.

“I know.” Sirius whispered.

Remus’ voice matched his, “I’m going to need time.”

Sirius nodded, “I know.”

Remus’ face cracked further, eyes like glass, “I never thought you’d do this.”

Sirius pressed his other hand to their fingers, capturing Remus’ between his own, “I’ll never again.” Sirius pressed their hands to his chest, “Those aren’t just words, Remus. I will never again.”

Remus could feel Sirius’ heart hammering, drumming against his fingers. It was what he had longed for. His voice shook, “I’m so angry at you. I’m so hurt. I still want to sit with Lily.”

Sirius nodded.

“But…Dinner. Tonight.” Remus blinked down at Sirius, “I won’t leave. Sirius…”

Sirius just squeezed their hands.

Remus bit his lip, looking away down the corridor, “I don’t know if this will work. But I want to try. Because I love you, I want to try.”

Sirius was silent for a moment until Remus looked at him again.

“Okay.” Sirius let out a breath, “And, because I love you…Remus, if this doesn’t work, then it doesn’t. And I’ll…” Sirius couldn’t bring himself to finish. _And I’ll let you go_. But Remus nodded, understanding.

They let their hands drop, and walked silently down the empty corridor, both feeling just a little less broken.


End file.
